nest•ing in•stinct n. refers to an instinct or urge in pregnant animals to prepare a home for the upcoming newborn(s). It is found in a variety of animals (both mammals and birds) and can occur in human mothers as well.
April stopped and set down the shopping bag in the middle of the sidewalk.
"You're going to have to carry this one too," she said with a sigh.
Both of us watched a couple in the parking lot. She was pregnant and stood next to the car while he lifted their bags out of the grocery cart into the trunk. Eventually they both got into the car and sped away.
We also had enough shopping bags to fill a trunk, but unlike the couple in the car that was already on their way home, we were still standing in the middle of the sidewalk. Our bags were filled with pots and pans and glass tumblers and fluffy pillows and waste baskets and other trimmings for our apartment, and somehow we had managed to stuff them all in the back of Alleke's stroller and the backpack I was wearing and the shopping bag that was now sitting on the pavement.
"We need a car," is what I said to April as I wondered how we would ever get all this stuff down the stairs to the metro station when April was nine months pregnant. I would have to figure out some way to do it by myself.
I was also kicking myself for not being smarter. April had admitted to me that she was nesting, and yet, despite the obvious implications, I had let her drag me and Alleke out to the IKEA at the edge of the city and even watched as she bought all this stuff that I wouldn't be able to carry home.
I envied the guy with the car. In his world, nesting amounted to driving his pregnant wife to the store.
Hi, this is April, the mom from Spain Dad. Today I'm going to be interviewing Kelly, the dad from Spain Dad, about sending kids to school in Spain. We are far from experts on Spanish schooling or even sending kids to school in general, but we've experienced the whole process once now. We have a three-year-old daughter who started school in Spain this fall, so we thought we would share our experience with you.
This interview is also available to listen to as a podcast.
April: So, Kelly, first can you explain a little bit about Alleke's schooling situation.
Kelly: We really had four options for Alleke in terms of schooling. The first one was simply not to send her to school. As far as I know, I don't think Alleke's really required to go to school in Spain until she's five or six.
The other three options were to send Alleke to a public school, a private school, or in Spain what's called a concertado, which is a mix of the two. We decided not to send Alleke to a public school because she would be required to go all day every day, and we were looking for a school that would allow us to send Alleke to school half days.
We also could have sent Alleke to a private school, and I'm sure we could have found one that would have allowed us to send Alleke to school only half days, but because these schools are private that means the parents pay full tuition.
The last schooling option, which is what we decided on, was a concertado. The school gave us the option to send Alleke to school only in the mornings, and it was cheaper because concertados are partly subsidized by the government.
So, on a normal day we drop Alleke off at school in the mornings between nine and ten, and we have to pick her up at twelve thirty. All the other kids in Alleke's class come back after lunch, and they're at school from three to five. Alleke's teacher sends home her afternoon schoolwork, and we do that work together at home. We're happy because we don't have to send Alleke to school all day.
April: Why did you decide to send Alleke to school at three years old?
Kelly: Good question. I've discovered that people have very strong opinions about when kids should start school and why. Even within the culture where I grew up in the States kids had a variety of different experiences. In my family specifically, we all started school at age five. Because this had been my own experience, I was looking forward to having Alleke at home with us for as long as we could. Also, our job situation allows for one of us to be home with Alleke, so we even could have kept her home with us until she was five. But, it matters that we live within another culture.
It mostly matters that we live in another culture because I noticed over the last nine months that Alleke was old enough—she's three years old now—that she really wanted to play with the other kids at the playground and talk to them. Before that point, she was young enough that she mostly just played by herself. Once she was old enough to play with other kids, however, she ran up against the language barrier. Even though we speak English with her at home and Spanish in the street—so she hears a lot of Spanish—she didn't need Spanish enough to learn it, so she was never able to communicate herself with words to the other kids at the playground. I realized that we were going to have to put Alleke in a situation where she needed to learn Spanish, and school seemed like the best option.
I think it's also worth mentioning that a few years ago we realized that we were living year to year in Spain. We never knew how long we were going to be here, so we kept thinking of our situation as temporary. Eventually we got to the point where in order to really live in the present, to "live in the now," we needed to at least act like we were living in Spain long term, even if we didn't know if we would be living here.
The reason this realization is important in regards to sending Alleke to school is that most children in Spain are in school by the age of three. Kids are expected to be in school by age three, even if it's not mandatory. We wanted to put Alleke into school this year because that's what people do in the culture where we live. Alleke is already different enough from the other kids in our neighborhood. I mean, there's plenty of diversity where we live, but you know, she's got American parents. She's got blond hair. She's got blue eyes. None of the other kids in her class have these things, and I guess I don't want to be making American decisions in Spain. I want to be making decisions that make sense here, and that contribute towards Alleke feeling like she's a part of the place where she lives, instead of always feeling like her parents are making parenting decisions that are contrary to the culture where she lives.
April: How did you prepare Alleke for going to school at a young age and in Spanish?
Kelly: Well, we almost missed our chance. We were in summer mode, and all of sudden before we knew it school was starting. I don't think we really talked with Alleke about going to school until maybe a week or two before it started. The beautiful thing about toddlers is their sense of time is really different than ours. I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know this for sure, but I've noticed that usually Alleke does better with a transition if I tell her just before it happens. If I tell her too far in advance, she gets impatient having to wait so long for it to happen.
When we did tell Alleke she was going to school, we made sure to talk through the transition in depth. We took the time to imagine what it would be like for her to go to school and what she would encounter.
Also, whenever we had to physically go to the school like last spring when we signed up, we always took Alleke with us. I had to stop by the school this fall to get some information, and I made sure to show her that there was a playground at the school, so there was something that she could be excited about.
As far as long-range planning, I think we've been preparing Alleke for school for a long time. First of all, we made the decision to be a bi-lingual family, like I mentioned earlier. Because we're both English speakers, we decided to speak English at home and then doing the best we could to speak Spanish outside of the home, so that Alleke would get used to encountering Spanish when she wasn't at home.
Another trick that we use all the time is Alleke has a couple of older kids that she really looks up to, so whenever we're going through a transition, I just mention the names of these two kids, and it's like magic. All of a sudden she wants to do that thing. So, the fact that these two older kids go to school in Spain meant Alleke wanted to go to school too.
April: We saw the video of Alleke's first day of school and how all that day went, but how has she been doing since then in the month or so that she's been at school?
Kelly: There was definitely a honeymoon phase the first week. Alleke loved the first week. Every day she wanted to go school and she was happy when she came home. Then the weekend came, she was home with us for a couple days, and I think she realized how good it was to be at home again. The second week was the hardest. The worst part was dropping her off at school because she would cry. What keeps me going is that she seems happy when we pick her up. Even though she's hesitant to stay in the morning, at least it's a positive experience for her, and I can tell that when I pick her up.
One of the mistakes we made was we didn't explain to Alleke that going to school was something she would be doing for a long time. In other situations where we were looking forward to something, like going to the amusement park or celebrating a birthday, it was always a one-time event. I don't think we really realized this in advance, but Alleke most likely thought she was only going to school for a day or a couple of days. I'm sure she had no idea she would still be going to school a month and a half later. Poor kid!
April: What do you think Alleke's enjoying the most about school?
Kelly: Her teacher. I'm not exactly sure why. I think it's been a great experience for her to trust another adult when we're not around. We were the immigrant family that had no idea what we were doing. We didn't know Alleke's teacher in advance, and I'm not even sure how we would have found that information out. We lucked out, though. Alleke's teacher is great. I have great respect for her, and she's really what makes the whole thing work. In the morning when I drop Alleke off, her teacher always makes the effort to come over and say hello and start a conversation with Alleke and get her involved playing with the other kids so that I can leave.
April: As a parent, what have you found the most challenging about Alleke being in school?
Kelly: I hate dropping Alleke off at school in the morning when she doesn't want to be there, even if when I pick her up she's really enjoyed it and talks about how she got to do all this fun stuff. Also, I miss having her around when I'm at home. There are certain days of the week when I would be home during the time when she's now at school, and we got to do a lot of really domestic things like hanging up laundry or going grocery shopping, and now I have to do these things by myself. It's just not as much fun. I liked having a companion—somebody to laugh with and have fun with.
Also, to be expected, Alleke's been sick since she started school. I hadn't really thought about it until now, but it's been one illness after another. It's been a lot of work having to take care of a sick kid for a month and a half straight.
April: Do you have any advice for parents who will be sending their children to school in Spain at the age of three?
Kelly: One practical thing is that if your kid starts school at the age of three that's not actually very much time after they're born to figure out the whole schooling system. I remember thinking, "Oh, there's going to be plenty of time to figure out schooling later," but before I knew it, Alleke was already at the age where we needed to start thinking about schooling, and it was just by coincidence that one of our Spanish friends, Clara, mentioned that March of the year before Alleke started school was when we needed to visit schools, decide on one, and sign up. If Clara hadn't mentioned this to us, I don't know where we would be. We just had no idea. I was not even thinking about school, so my main advice would be get started early and find somebody with experience in the schooling system that can give you advice.
Also, on an emotional level, it's okay that it's hard to send your kids off to school. Give yourself permission. I try to give myself permission to feel sad about Alleke going to school, but I also try to stay positive. It wasn't easy for Alleke to start school. But I try to see it as an opportunity for her to learn and to grow, and I try to remember that she gets something out of it too. She's learning the language, and she's making friends. I try to focus in on these goods things as much as possible.
We are celebrating Alleke's 3rd birthday today. I'm eating a cupcake with sprinkles as I write these words.
This morning I hesitated before asking Alleke's teacher if she could take a picture of Alleke's preschool birthday party, but I'm glad I did. She took 22 pictures in two hours!
See all the photos Alleke's teacher took this morning...
For Alleke Amsterdam will forever be the city where anything goes. Not because she noticed the skunky smell of marijuana as we left Centraal Station or the coffee shops with their chalkboard menus listing Moroccan hash for five euros a pop, but because when we arrived at our friends' house in the quiet suburb of Amstelveen, we discovered that they had converted their guest bedroom into a magical place.
A crowd of stuffed animals, including a teddy bear from Las Vegas that was taller than Alleke herself, welcomed Alleke into her new room with a tea party already underway. She ran over and pointed at the Care Bears on her bed spread, and by the time she had brushed her teeth and put on her pajamas, she had been convinced that the night light at the end of her bed, which was nothing more than an orange bulb, was in fact her very own kid-sized full moon watching over her as she slept.
I kissed Alleke goodnight and walked over to the turn off the lights.
"Daddy, I don't want you to leave," Alleke said on cue.
I looked around the room and spotted the giant slouching teddy bear at the end of the bed. "I'm sleeping in the room next door," I said, "but guess who's going to be with you while you fall asleep tonight?"
Alleke stared at the ceiling, deep in thought.
"God," she said.
I grinned. "Well, actually, I was thinking of the giant teddy bear at the end of your bed, but yeah, God too," I said.
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