Hi, my name is Kelly and I write about being a dad. Let me tell you 
Manuscript is complete. April is reading it for the first time.
Monday, February 15th, 2010
Tantrum
My closest friends say I’m a laid-back person. They tell me they feel peace and tranquility when they’re with me. I’m a regular Gandhi, they say.
I’ve never understood this, and I don’t think my wife or my kids would ever describe me this way. Today was a perfect example.
I got it in my head this afternoon that I was going to take the kids down to the playground after Alleke woke up from her nap, even though I knew we would be pressed for time since I had to go back to work in an hour.
In hindsight, I don’t think Alleke wanted to go to the park when she woke up, and instead of listening to her when she said things like “Daddy, I don’t want to go to the park,” I started to get anxious because I couldn’t get her to do what I wanted her to, and we were running out of time.
“If you don’t put your shoes on right now,” I warned Alleke, holding my finger in front of her face, “we’re not going to the park.” I made it sound like she was dangling by a thread over the pit of hell itself.
The problem was I wanted to go to the park, and she didn’t, so the more ridiculous my threats became, the more convinced she was that she didn’t want to go to the park.
I stood at the front door with my coat and hat on, Teo against my chest in the baby carrier pounding his fists and screaming for me to start walking so he could fall asleep, and a giant bag of recycling in my hand. Meanwhile, Alleke sat in the middle of the living room floor still in her pajamas, intentionally ignoring me. I felt helpless and completely out of control of the situation. So, I did the only logical thing that occurred to me. I set down the bag of recycling, took aim, and kicked it as hard as I could. Empty Coke bottles and tin cans exploded from the bag and went spinning across the floor.
It felt so good to kick that bag, to relieve all that tension, and to feel physically in control of the situation for a moment, but I scared myself too. I wondered if I would be capable of taking the same physical aggression out on my kids or my wife. I was thankful it was only a bag of recycling.
Alleke began to cry quietly to herself as she put on her clothes and her shoes and climbed into the stroller. We went down to the park, but it was so cold that we couldn’t wait to get back home again.
I apologized to Alleke. I explained why I had gotten frustrated. She said she was sorry too for not listening to me, but I felt so guilty and ashamed for throwing a 30-year-old tantrum and modeling the kind of behavior I was worried she was picking up from the other kids at school.
After some reflection, I’ve realized that I parent very badly when I’m in a rush. I order my kids around, and I expect them to be robots that follow commands instead of people with their own needs and expectations. I need to leave enough time for us to come to an agreement. I also hope to approach each day with open hands, which means a willingness to let go of my expectations or plans, and remember that my relationship with my kids is more important to me than what we do together.
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12 COMMENTS
I can so relate, Kelly. Thanks for sharing.
February 15, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Kelly, I'm feeling that way today about work/my job/my life. I wish I had something I could kick or a door I could slam. We're all human, and we're learning. Thanks for sharing your story and not pretending to be a superhuman paragon.
February 15, 2010 at 1:39 pm
wow I'm feeling that way today. It's good to know I'm not the only one who scares themselves with their own anger. I've prayed about it a number of times. But yeah I try to remember my little boy has his own opinions and wants in life too that I should respect just like I would with anyone else.
February 15, 2010 at 2:54 pm
It happens to the best of us, Kelly. The most important lesson for you and Alleke to learn is that adults make mistakes too. She also learned that adults have to make restitution for those mistakes. You are a good father!
Holly Van Zee
February 15, 2010 at 4:44 pm
The rush. Always brings out my true spirit in parenting and makes me so sad to realize how mixed up I let my priorities get.
February 15, 2010 at 8:55 pm
Two kids, one still only a baby, the other you are expecting to be a little more reasonable (ie compliant) than perhaps you should… I have been there!!! Don't be too hard on yourself. Anonymous (above) said it right.
I also find, as a working father, that time is always at a premium and it can be hard to accept the temporary disinterest of your offspring.
Thanks for sharing and for your honesty about a tough subject.
February 15, 2010 at 9:47 pm
It's very powerful for children to hear their parents explain their own sin and ask for forgiveness. The lesson won't be lost.
We had company for 5 consecutive weeks recently, and I threw a total tantrum about something very minor after they had all left. It was like I had been holding in all that frustration for way too long. For me, regular exercise is the key to a healthy release of that pent up energy and frustration.
Always look forward to your posts…
February 15, 2010 at 11:37 pm
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Lucy
February 16, 2010 at 9:43 am
thanks for your honesty and sharing. I can so so so relate!
February 20, 2010 at 3:40 am
I totally know this feeling. I think we put on a terrible witness to our neighbors most Sunday mornings when we're rushing out the door to church. I just need to chill out a little bit. 
I can totally relate. I am a stickler when it comes to schedules so I know how you feel when things don't go your way. All you can do is learn and move on!
March 5, 2010 at 10:30 pmLEAVE YOUR COMMENT
The Dotterel said...
It's so difficult… I've been there, done that (only not with a bag of recycling!)
But the tea-towel hit the corner of the kitchen with a flourish just the other day.
We're human, after all. And imperfect. And in talking to your daughter, you did the best thing possible. She'll slowly start to understand that it's ok to feel that way sometimes, impossible to resist – and learn the value we place on channelling our emotions.
February 15, 2010 at 10:20 am