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How to Make Long Distance Relationships Work: Maintaining vs. Growing
April and I have always said the most difficult part about living abroad is being away from our families. Now that we have Alleke, even more so. It’s not just a matter of April and I maintaining our family relationships, it’s a matter of giving Alleke the opportunity to begin and grow them.
Alleke helped us realize this distinction between “maintaining” and “growing.” Maintaining is about preserving relationships and remembering the way things were before we moved apart, so we can keep them the same as much as possible. It’s the equivalent of tossing leftovers in the freezer. They won’t go bad, but they won’t get better either.
Maintaining works if we’re only apart for a short time. In our case, it’s been five years. We’ve changed, and our families have changed. We can’t expect things to be the same as they were before we moved.
Growing, in contrast, is about recognizing that our relationships will not stay the same, but evolve over time, and making the conscious decision to evolve together. Simply playing “catch up” on the phone isn’t enough. It’s not just about keeping up on what’s going on at home (akin to reading the headlines in the local newspaper). Growing together is the decision to include each other in what’s going on right then, to bring up the burning question on our minds.
When I have parenting questions, I try to give my sister a call or I save them till Sunday afternoons when I talk to my mom and dad on the phone. Of course I don’t always take their advice, but I include them in the process. They help me make my decisions instead of just hearing about them afterwards.
As I read over the words I’ve just written, I can’t help but wonder what my family will think when they read this. Maybe they’ll think we have a long way to go towards growing relationships instead of just maintaining them. Most likely they’ll think that if we want to grow our relationships, then the easy answer is not to live across the ocean.
And I guess what I’m trying to say is that living apart from our families is not ideal. It’s not easy. It doesn’t just happen. Growing our relationships this way requires intentionality, creativity and thoughtfulness. I just hope maintaining is not the only possibility–because I love my family too much for that.
How do you make long distance relationships work with your family? Join the discussion.
MORE ON: aunts and uncles, grandparents, third culture kids
5 COMMENTS
We don’t have family nearby just like you. Nearest is a 11 hour drive, the other family a continent away. Strangely, we have much better contact with the Mexican side. We use Skype a lot, make DVD’s with great memories, share stuff on the website, and of course go and visit.
BUt it’s clear to me for many years that my relationship with the family is not getting any better. We’re not even maintaining. They think I’m still 15 living at home, while in reality I have seen much of the world. It leads to very awkward discussion when experiences are so different.
AD
January 8, 2008 at 5:18 pm
We have it difficult with family in other states, but that pales in comparison to your situation. Luckily, based upon reading your blog for a while now, family have visited you in Madrid.
We were alone while living in Arizona, but now that we’re in Vegas everybody wants to visit. Almost too much.
January 8, 2008 at 10:19 pm
My husband and I have lived in Europe for over a year now, but even before that big move we were at a distance from family. My parents are in D.C., my sister and her fam in Florida, my brother and his fam in Texas. Most of my husband’s family is in Virginia, but hours apart from each other. So, we had a lot of practice with staying in touch already. Email, blogging, and Skype have been crucial. Now we have a US# with Skype (I think I pay per year what you’re paying per month), so it’s a local or at least domestic call for friends and family. We can call them for two cents per minute or free from computer to computer. Skype has video, too, which we sometimes use. We talk to family several times a week.
A huge part of keeping relationships going, though, doesn’t depend on us, it depends on our families. That’s where things get tricky, as everyone has their own, preferred way of communicating. I prefer email, but both my mom and sister need to be on the phone. My dad prefers email, but is okay on the phone. My brother responds to email, but his responses are really brief. I need to get him on the phone for anything meaningful, but he pretty much never calls (so it’s on me). That’s all taken a while to figure out. And then there’s the time differences…
Oh, and everyone said before the move that they’d be visiting soon. Lies! Americans have almost no vacation time and the cost of flying a whole family overseas is prohibitive.
January 11, 2008 at 4:07 pm
Ive been in a relationship on line for over a year now. We took all the precautionary steps (talked for 6 months first via phone and web cam) before flying to see eachother. We fly every 6-8 weeks now. We have the fundements of an incredible marriage. Great conversation, communication, and respect for eachother which helps considerably. Unfortunatly we are on opposite sides of the country me in school him with a business, and are unable to relocate for about 1-2 years. Our only issue is trust. Even when we think we handle situations accordly there always seems to be room for capability to have made better decisions. It seems to consistanly “not good enough”. I know distance and frustration feeds this but its aggrivating. I think once we are together things will be more solid…..but any tips on making it that far?
January 26, 2008 at 3:49 amLEAVE YOUR COMMENT
Alex Soto said...
That’s a very tough question. Alexa and I have discussed relocating to a distant region within the US because where we live is pretty expensive. This post gives me a new perspective on the challenges of such a move.
How about viewing the distant relationship as “sustaining,” rather than “maintaining.” For me, to sustain is championing and supporting the continuation of something important for a greater purpose. Maintaining is like making sure that something never fades… sort of like changing the oil in the car to keep it performing well.
Perhaps, the distant relationship is paving the way for a future, opportunity where you will be reunited with your families … even if it’s just for a short period of time. A joyous occasion unlike any other, maybe?
Again, it’s a tough question.
January 8, 2008 at 1:52 am