Spain Dad, a baby blog

My parents used to go for walks, just the two of them, when the weather was good. My brother and sister and I were never invited to go with them, but they couldn’t stop us from watching them from the tall windows in the living room as they wandered down the gravel road among the fields of black dirt, their eyes fixed on the sun slipping over the horizon, glowing like embers.

April and I have been taking walks lately. We took one on Sunday. I pushed Alleke ahead of us in the stroller, and as we passed through the square, Alleke watched the boys on trick bikes, hopping on benches and bouncing around or popping wheelies and riding back and forth. It was like watching circus performers practice, and Alleke was amused, clapping her hands and kicking her legs in approval.

Meanwhile, April and I talked about adoption. This time, we talked in concrete terms about what would actually have to happen if we were to adopt a child. The conversation was jumbled then, like a pile of unsorted laundry, but now it makes more sense, and I would categorize our thoughts this way:

Money – the biggest obstacle to us adopting a child is money. A friend of ours with three adopted children told us to plan on spending at least $20,000 on an international adoption. Because I get paid in US dollars but spend euros, and the exchange rate is sinking (imagine me getting swallowed slowly in quick sand), I think it would be accurate to say at this point that April and I only have enough money to cover our basic living expenses.

Still, whether you would call me brave or stupid, I don’t like letting money get in the way of things as important as having our next child. I think there’s a way forward. I just haven’t found it yet.

For instance, we may be eligible to adopt through the Spanish system, which we’ve heard is less expensive. Also, we know of some non-profit organizations that give grants to families that need financial assistance for adoptions. Maybe they can help us.

Timing - the friend I mentioned earlier with the three adopted children also mentioned that when it comes to family planning, the timing of an adoption is quite different from the timing of a pregnancy. If, for example, we would like to have our next child around the time Alleke is two, that means April would be pregnant soon.

Adoption, on the other hand, is not as straightforward. There are more variables, like government agencies, adoption agencies, lawyers, and even the age of the child we would potentially adopt. A child paired with a family soon after she is born may not see her family until she is eighteen months old.

So far, I think we’re willing to accept that we may adopt a child that’s younger or older than we had expected. Still, we’re not sure when to actually begin the process. Hopefully by learning as much as we can beforehand, we can eliminate the variables that are within our control and make a good decision about when to begin.

Living Abroad – most people tell us how great it is that Alleke gets to live cross-culturally and learn a second language, and while I agree, I also see that she faces a whole set of challenges I never faced as a kid, particularly when it comes to her identity.

The first thing most people here notice about Alleke is that she is different. She’s blond with blue eyes. They think she’s cute, which counts for something, but it doesn’t help her fit it. It doesn’t help her feel like she belongs here. Having American parents doesn’t help either. They speak English at home, and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and are scared to death about sending her to school someday because they don’t know anything about schools here. Yes, they are different too, but they’re not much help, actually, because they didn’t grow up here.

An adopted child would face the same challenges Alleke faces, plus ones related to adoption, like questions about where he came from and whether he belongs in our family.

April and I are aware that our choice to live internationally will challenge our kids, and at times, we won’t be able to explain things like Spanish parents who belong to this culture. We need to ask ourselves if we can provide a healthy environment for an adopted child.

As I parked the stroller at the front door of our apartment building and dug around in my coat pocket for keys, I looked at April and smiled.

We still had lots to talk about–I figured it wouldn’t be long until our next walk.