Hi, my name is Kelly and I write about being a dad. Let me tell you 
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youtubeTuesday, December 12th, 2006
I don’t remember exactly what April and I talked about last night in the glow of the nightlight.
I do remember somewhere towards the end, just before we fell asleep, turning over so I could see April, or at least her silhouette, and asking her what it would take to wake up in the morning and feel like a good dad.
We had talked for a while about being a mom and a dad and how we both loved our daughter, even more than we had expected, just like everyone had said, and that even though we were beginners and didn’t know much about parenting, we both felt capable and excited to learn with Alleke as she grew. I told April I loved watching her be a mom, and I was thankful we had a good marriage. I felt like we were on the same page most of the time.
That’s about the time I asked April the question, the one about wanting to wake up in the morning and feel like a good dad. Because even though we both felt like we had so many good things going for us, there were still some days that we felt like bad parents, like we were raising Alleke all wrong. In fact, the more we talked about it, the more we realized that we felt this way most of the time.
We speculated about why we felt like bad parents, which wasn’t so hard to do at a quarter past eleven when we were exhausted from another long day and felt incapable of most things, including the present conversation, but April came up with something profound, as she usually does. She said, “I mostly feel like a bad mom when I feel like I’m supposed to want to be with Alleke every minute of every day, and…I don’t.”
That was it.
We loved Alleke. We even loved being with her most of the time. We just didn’t want to be with her all the time.
I still woke up this morning feeling like I was supposed to want to be with Alleke all the time, but I felt a little less bad about being her dad.
I think what did it was I stopped to realize that I don’t like being around anybody all the time, not even April. What helped even more was realizing that even though Alleke is great, she is a lot of work. She wears us out, and sometimes we just need a break. Everybody does.
So, at around four o’clock this afternoon I handed Alleke off to her aunt Heidi (who took her even though she was crying), and I took my laptop downstairs so I could have some time for myself and write these words.
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7 COMMENTS
Kelly and April,
You have captured the emotion of parenting so well in this entry. Thanks for that! It’s precious. I have a 15-year-old and a 12-year-old and still wrestle with the things you mentioned.
Thank you for writing this today, of all days. My boy is 12 months old and after yet another long day today, my emotions were running high. I love him dearly and cherish *most* of the time with him, but, like you say, would love a moment to myself. It’s nice to be reminded that all of us parents are in the same boat.
December 13, 2006 at 6:21 am
Wow, thanks for that post. Drake and I have been having the exact same thoughts the past couple of days. Nice to know we’re not alone!
December 14, 2006 at 11:19 am
Thanks zygote daddy, wendy, Brian and our annonymous commenter for your thoughts.
I don’t have anything else to add, really, except that it’s also encouraging for me to know that you all are currently or have in the past experienced the same thing.
I guess I do have one more thought. I remember one of the first things I told myself when April got pregnant was that I didn’t want to be one of those parents that was always beating her or himself up and thinking or horrible of a parent she or he was.
I suppose I had seen enough parents struggle with this to know it would be one of the biggest challenges of parenting, and without a doubt, it is.
December 14, 2006 at 3:17 pm
hi guys. as always, i love your honest thoughts. sometimes when heather wants me to play i feel like saying “I DON’T WANT TO PLAY!” but other times it’s fun. anyway, yes, let’s talk one of these days. we’ve been running around speaking here and there and are catching our breath. we should have a skype date.
December 14, 2006 at 5:32 pm
Wow – I just found your blog, and I am laughing, crying, nodding my head in agreement at your entries! My husband and I have a four month old daughter, and I struggle with these same exact feelings every day. I love my daughter, but I feel so guilty for just wanting a little time to myself to recharge. I feel like a bad mom when I ask my husband if he could take a turn cause I need a break. I’m just glad to know I’m not the only one. Thanks for writing what so many parents just keep inside their hearts and heads!
Stephanie
PS – the entry on “bouncing” had me laughing out loud. I find myself bouncing, swaying whether I’ve got Hannah (my daughter) with me or not. I know people at the grocery store have probably mistaken me for a crazy person…. 
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Anonymous said...
So, I’ve written before and we still don’t know each other, but I do not have to know you to testify that you and April are both incredible parents. First off, the love you express for your daughter is amazing. Also, the fact that you actively reflect on your journey of parenting rather than passively going through each day testifies further how great of a father you really are….Alleke is blessed to have you both as parents..however, truth be told, she probably appreciates the breaks from you as well. I would imagine it is a lot of work being the daughter of two incredible parents. She has a lot to live up too. Keep your chin up and believe in yourselves…you’re great.
December 12, 2006 at 11:53 pm