Hi, my name is Kelly and I write about being a dad. Let me tell you 
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youtubeTuesday, October 17th, 2006
The Manly Art of Breastfeeding
Click the “Listen” button to hear Kelly read this blog post.
April’s had this book called The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding lying on the coffee table for the last week or so. I haven’t touched it.
Not because I think the topic of breastfeeding is off limits for dads or that it’s repulsive or that there’s nothing I can contribute to the conversation since I don’t have the right equipment.
The truth is I’m sick of it. April and I have thought so much about breastfeeding in the last two weeks. I’m ready to spend my time thinking about anything else–even that leaky shower head in the guest bathroom that’s been haunting me for ages. (I was hoping it would just go away.)
Still, I feel compelled to write something about breastfeeding for dads. Not because I’m a qualified parent. You all saw me give Alleke a bath. Instead, I’m writing about breastfeeding for dads because I want to do you a favor. I want to give you a heads up. So listen closely.
There will come a time when your wife will be lying there (in my case April was in her hospital bed) with as much ambition as a rug and as much emotional and intellectual stability as a Chihuahua, and in that very special place, she will come to a point of such desperation that she will actually ask you (yes, you!), someone entirely unqualified, to please say something or do something to make this little creature eat, and believe me, even if it’s not brilliant, you’ll want to have something to say for yourself. Mostly because you’re not interested in finding out the consequences if you don’t, but also because this is your wife and this is your baby, and if there’s any time that you’ve ever been needed in your life, it’s right now.
I’ve been wondering about breastfeeding for months. I wondered what the big deal was. Why did we spend three childbirth classes on breastfeeding? Why did every baby book have at least one chapter dedicated just to breastfeeding? And what’s with La Leche League, an entire organization just for breastfeeding moms. It all just seemed so over the top.
That is, until that night at the hospital.
Alleke had been squirming in our arms for hours, from seven pm until two o’clock in the morning, and we were lost for ideas. Our brains were ringing, set off balance by the contrast between our quiet hospital room and the screams of our little girl, which sounded a lot like shattering windows.
We had a hungry baby, and we did not know what to do with her.
At that moment you realize that learning to breastfeed is like that reoccurring dream where you find yourself simply falling from the sky towards earth. You slice through the air like a bullet, the trees and roads and cars on the ground coming too quickly into focus. You realize then that you’re actually holding on to what looks like a parachute–at least you think it’s a parachute. It’s not on your back, it’s in your hands, and you’ve never parachuted in your life (never even had the desire), but you better do something because the seconds are spinning away.
What makes breastfeeding difficult is it happens all at once. The moment your child is born, he or she begins losing weight. You have somewhere between three to five days to teach mom and baby how to connect that breast to that little mouth.
Instinct gets you a long ways, but beyond that, you’re on your own. I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve seen anyone learn something so complicated so quickly as watching my wife and daughter learn to breast feed together. It’s like renting a stick shift for your family vacation without having ever driven one before and just deciding you’ll figure it out along the way–while you’re speeding down the Interstate and winding through the mountains in a national park somewhere.
If I had had the money, I would have given every cent of it to our midwife Carmen to have just stayed there, sitting on the end of April’s hospital bed, coaching us and stroking Alleke’s head with her quieting midwife touch, till we had figured out how to do it right. I would have even run home and baked chocolate chip cookies for Carmen. That’s how much I wanted her to stay with us when she stopped in our room during her hospital rounds.
To be fair, our midwife Carmen, the pediatricians, the nurses, even our landlady Encarna and our friend Heather and my mother-in-law have all spent time with April and Alleke giving them encouragement and sharing motherly wisdom. All of them deserve chocolate chip cookies, and all of them were necessary along the way.
So what about dad then? Well, for starters, just be there. Quit your job if you have to. Your wife just needs you to sit there on the couch and look helpless.
It helps to believe in miracles too. Your wife will tell you it’s impossible for her to breastfeed this baby, and she’ll hand you the baby, and she may even pout or cry or scream, but when the time is right, hand her the baby again. Tell her she’s capable and that you love her.
Don’t think too much in advance. Don’t beat yourself up by thinking about having this little baby with you tomorrow and the next day and the next day. That’s emotional suicide. Just think about now. About what your wife needs now and how to get her to believe she can feed this baby.
And if you can find it in yourself to do these things, my friend, you’ve mastered the manly art of breastfeeding.
MORE ON: alleke, april, audio, breastfeeding, dad, marriage, newborn, parenting
12 COMMENTS
This is a very nice one, Kelly. I miss you two, now three.
October 18, 2006 at 12:19 am
Kelly, great advice! My mom was always raving about being in the La leche league too, I still don’t get it. I mean like I see calves sucking on their mothers all the time and they don’t seem to have a problem, if they do we just tube them till they figure out how. I mean at the hospital angela goes on about doctors and NG tubes and all that but hey I do it all the time without an MD.:)
So different question, how do you get those videos on your blog? Are there only certain types of video you can put on? I figure you are the Master of the Tech, so share the wealth of knowledge, I am fairly new at this blog stuff.
October 18, 2006 at 2:21 am
K,
I’ve commented before, but still do not know you. Despite the fact that I have never met you or your family and know I never will, I find myself addicted to reading about your adventures in parenthood via the world wide web. As I’ve stated before: the love you show for your wife and daughter is inspiring. I think that when Alleke turns about 1, you should compile these entries–in their current form (except maybe change the names) and publish a book. The honesty you express regarding your family’s struggles and joys would be an inspiration to many. Perhaps it would even be a best-seller and you could stay at home and continue to nuture and encourage, April. You could do another book about the toddler years, etc. too. Just an idea– good luck and congratulations!
Justin: April and I are so excited for you and Jen that you’ve found a place in Paris where you can live and work with the poor and marginalized populations there. We are really hoping to be able to do the same when we return to Madrid in March.
Laurie: We miss you too!
Anonymous: As I said before, thank you for your encouragement. Truly it does make a difference, especially for an aspiring writer like myself. I would love to publish a book. Still, I’m young, and I want to take the time to learn about the craft of writing before I get too busy with submissions and searching for an agent, etc. But who knows–maybe it is time!
Shupe: Good question. I mostly use a service called YouTube (http://www.youtube.com). You can find their help center here:
http://www.youtube.com/t/help_makevideo
My process is…
1) Take video on digital video camera
2) Plug video camera into computer (using DV cable)
3) Because I’m using a Mac, I open a program called iMovie
4) I import the video into the program
5) I try to do as little editing as possible (since this is where you can spend way too much time in front of the computer)
6) I export the video to a format called mp4 (but YouTube also accepts other formats too if this isn’t an option for you)
7) I log on to my account with YouTube (which is completely free of charge) and go to the upload section. I fill in some info about the video and click “Upload” at which point I’m asked to find the movie file (in my case a mp4) on my computer and open it.
YouTube uploads the movie file to its server online. Then I have to wait maybe 10 minutes or so for the website to process the video before it appears “online” in my list of videos.
9) To post the video on my blog, it’s very simple. From YouTube, I click on…
- My Videos from the tabs at the top of the page
- I click on the video I want to post on my blog
- From the right-hand sidebar, I copy and paste the code labeled “Embed” directly into the new post on my blog.
- when I preview my new blog post, the new video appears there. That’s it!
Let me know if you have any more questions!
October 18, 2006 at 8:11 am
Thanks!!!! I don’t have time to check it out this morning but will later! Do you think this would work for videos that aren’t from your own camera, like video podcasts?
Do you use safari? or something else like firefox…
I have been having some issues with blogger using safari, and am wondering if something else would work better. I have both firefox and explorer too.
I work from a mac too:)
Well said!!!
My husband is my rock, and if he wasn’t here I would go INSANE!
December 22, 2006 at 6:50 pm
You don’t know me, but that was truly beautiful–it brought tears to my eyes. I have repeatedly told others how my husband is the reason that breastfeeding was/is so successful for us–you supportive daddies ROCK!!! Breastfeeding truly is a triad effort for us–Baby, Mommy and Daddy 
Hi — I’d love to reprint this is La Leche League’s magazine, and I’m trying to figure out how to contact you.
We’re a nonprofit and noncommercial venure, which seems to be covered under your Creative Commons deed — but I just wanted to check. Plus, I need your full name (a photo would be nice as well).
Email me at EditorNB@llli.org
Thanks! Kathleen
that was some great dad advice. it sounds like, if you followed your advice, that you were a great partner for your wife. all new dads should have to read this post! from a breastfeeding mom, thank you!
December 11, 2007 at 6:41 am
LOL… "your wife needs just needs you to sit on the couch and look helpless"
So true!!!
April 28, 2010 at 9:47 pm
*hear hear*
Excellent post.
My son is almost 10 months old. He nurses with such ease that I should be on a billboard promoting breastfeeding. We make it look natural. Okay, okay… I know that breastfeeding is natural however, as you so PERFECTLY wrote about, it never comes naturally.
When my son was born he was immediately placed on my stomach, and he latched on perfectly. That was the last time he did that for almost 8 weeks. We suffered with the Lactation Consultant and her blue rubber gloves pinching my nipples and shoving my son's head on my breasts, we made it through three rounds of thrush, clogged ducts, and mastitis. We made it through "failure to thrive" diagnoses (because at 2 weeks old he was 2 ounces shy of his birth weight) and we made it through me returning to work when he was 9 weeks old. I've never once supplemented — and don't ever plan to.
The reason? My husband.
Thank you for recognizing our silent supporters. The men who are MORE scared than we are, and yet appear so calm in the face of the "storms".
June 28, 2010 at 2:53 amLEAVE YOUR COMMENT
Justin said...
Hey K….thanks for the advice…4 weeks away and counting. I like the part about thinking too far into the future…that’s usually what gets me overwhelmed. Thanks…later…
Justin
October 17, 2006 at 5:42 pm